Chill-out

Mesdames et Messieurs...détente a commencé.

Random Sex

So I know my blog tends to be whiney and such about the whole wooing the opposite sex, but I just had to share this nugget from today.

"David, girls only want to have random sex with guys they will never want to sleep with again. You cannot be an asshole, so it won't work for you."

So, I thought about it, and I realized that it would simply be easier rather than being an asshole at the front end, I could accomplish the same end by just being really bad in bed. We're not talking be a minute man, or even "accidentally" slip into the wrong crevice. I'm talking donkey-punching, houdini-performing, bobsledding sex. The kind of sex that legends are made of for being horrific. The kind you read about on the internet, laugh, and then say "that could never happen."

But the key to that is getting to that point where you can actually perform those acts. So, I'm going to start a t-shirt line. Never a fan of false advertising, my line will put it all up front. You'll know what you're getting from "hello." There will be five shirts to start, with an expansion of the line three months out. Our initial run will include the following shirts:







and as a bonus shirt - and "easter egg" if you will:


That should succeed in wooing a girl - it's everything a girl wants in a guy, and it's all up front. Now, I must go model the line and try to get laid.

Hey- Where do you go to school?

This was how my fateful recruitment to a certain unnamed teenybopper brand began. It was 10:30 at night. I was wearing a hat (my hair wildly overgrown), my face was oily, and I was not fashionable looking in the least.

And yet, the cashier still asked me if I'd like a part time job while I'm home for break. Earlier in the day, I remember laughing at the himbo standing at the entrance of this teenybopper brand's oldest sibling (with a limited number of stores nationwide) and remarking that I'd never be one of them. Though I'll admit the discount is kinda sweet...

As I thought more on the proposition, I started to mull in my head what would be the help wanted ad for this brand and how it would compare to say...Wal-Mart and how the corporate structure is so strikingly similar. Without further ado:

Wal-Mart
Can You Say Hello? Then this is the job for you!
Are you suffering from early-stage dementia? Does this allow you to be ecstatic to every new person you meet? Do you know how to work a price gun? If any of these criteria apply to you, apply to be a greeter. P/T or F/T available, full benefits, including Depends discount!

Abercrombie
Yo dude, what's up?
Are you really attractive? Do you know that you're really attractive? Can you treat people accordingly? You should be a model...well, not really. You should stand at the front of our bitchin' store and scope out all the chicks that come in, making sure they ain't stealing our stuff, man. Is your IQ under 70 points? Hit us up for a group interview whenever you can swing your awesomeness by us. Hopefully on a tuesday or a friday between 2 and 3.

Wal-Mart
No Customer Service Required!
Do you hate talking on the phone? Answering questions? Being efficient? We have a mediocre job for you! Work on our day-side team, where you will be responsible for running an entire department into disarray, let it be filthy, and evading customer questions...it's like a real-life version of your favorite reality video game. Come apply at our in-store kiosk. Low english proficiency a plus.

Abercrombie
No Customer Service Required!
Do you like looking beautiful? Do other people like you looking beautiful? Then become a brand rep. Should possess ability to stand around, refold the same item fifteen times, and alternate between never looking a customer in the eye unless they too are beautiful (in which case you offer them a job) and asking, along with the rest of your team, if customers are doing alright. Smoldering sex appeal a must, scoring higher than a 400 on your SAT, unncessary. PT only, no benefits, and brand-family competitive salary. But the discount pays for the job!

Wal-Mart
Are you nocturnal?
Not really sure what that means? That's fine by us! Come work on our overnight stock team. You'll never meet any customers, or be seen by anyone besides the security cameras. Questionable credentials OK, but must have own transportation. English skills helpful but absolutely not necessary.

Abercrombie
Not pretty but wish you were?
Come work for a beautiful brand and attach yourself to our name. Working on our impact team is a great way to seem beautiful without actually being so, and you will NEVER have to deal with customers! In fact, you will just stay in our back room and when we decide that your unattractiveness won't offend our customers, we'll allow you to straighten clothes that have already been straightened by our Brand Reps. Same discount, much less glory.

I hope you can see how these two companies are very similar in actuality, and how I would gladly love to respond to any of these help wanted ads.

Service Unavailable - please check back sooner

So after a bender of horrific attempts at trying to pick up women, I bemoaningly begged of my female friend why I was having no success. She told me that I had to "Be the asshole." Not quite understanding this mantra, or being physically capable of such an action (so I'd like to think), I asked her to rephrase. Apparently demonstrating any interest is "unhot," despite the fact that I was declared by her expert eye to be more attractive than many at the insulated bubble of my private liberal arts school. I was too available, and had to make myself seem unavailable. So, I began to ponder what exactly I could do to make myself seem unavailable. These are the ideas that came to me:

Join the priesthood. Nothing says "please don't touch me, Jesus is watching you being a dirty whore" like that white collar. This won't work very well for me because a) I happen to look dashing in black and b) the potential magnetism for Altar Boys runs completely counter to the intent of attracting women. Idea scratched.

Pretend to not speak English. Double score - not only do you get to pass yourself off as a mysterious foreign kid (thereby explaining your noticeable body odor), but you can walk away from a girl and claim it is "custom" to not speak to individuals of the inferior species. Bonus points if you pull a small stone from your pocket and threaten to punish her for speaking directly to a male without presenting food first. Problem with this scheme is that I don't speak any language well enough to pass it off. Idea scratched.

Rent a girlfriend for the evening. I was always told that the minute you enter a relationship your hotness factor increases by 10. Girls find their seduction of you to be infinitely dirtier when they're stealing you from "that other tramp who wears too much makeup and looks like she fell out of an Insurrection catalog." I just like to call her "Tawny Peaks," but hey, whatever floats your boat. Rental dates begin at >$100 an hour, money I don't have. Idea scratched.

Make out with the girl then punch her out. Nothing says "I'm interested" like knocking a girl unconscious. With her reduction in consciousness, you seem less available because, well, at that point she probably can't even spell available. Like a baby bird emerging from the egg, I will be the first face the girl sees once regaining her wits, and she will be instantly drawn to me to assuage her daddy issues. Wow...so many things wrong with this idea. Idea scratched.

There you go. There is no good way to actually make yourself seem unavailable. So ladies, from now on, I'm off the market. I have absolutely no interest in drunken makeouts, awkward one-night stands, or inappropriate grinding. And you can forget about me being interested in repeated hookups, tawdry sex, or creative location-christening. So don't bother asking me on facebook or by calling me, because I'm not open for business. In fact, I don't think I'll be open for business for a while...would you like to put your name on the waiting list?

Strange Departures

Breaking up blows. End of story. maybe i'll have something funny to write about it soon. But for right now, it blows. hardcore.

Valentine's Day is Just Around the corner...

Ahh, Valentine's Day. A commercialized excuse to get laid with two simple words : Be Mine. Generations of our forefathers have practically pried women's legs open for us, and yet somehow, despite the user-friendliness of the holiday, I still loathe this one day even more than "check out that itchy rash you've been meaning to get looked at day." Especially if you lack that special someone in your life, V-Day stands for Very-uncomfortable-make-me-painfully-aware-of-how-socially-akward-I-am-Day. Given that this year will be my first to actually be attached in a long time, I've gleaned quite a wealth of knowledge of how to survive this horrendous relic of the romantic period.

Ensure everyone who has access to a computer knows that you're single. This way, there is an off chance that some busty cheerleader will pity you and rush over to give you pleasure that is the stuff of craiglist legends. To do this, post the following away message: "Happy Singles Awareness Day!!!!!!" By doing this, you not only come off as supportive of your love-bludgeoned friends, but also hint at your mild depression and acute self-esteem problem enough to bring those poor saps back down from their chocolate and polyester stuffing high.

Treat yourself to a nice dinner. You don't need to worry about putting on weight- it's not like you're attracting anyone anyway! Just try to keep the filet down after your fifth of Jack that you've been drinking since you woke up this morning.

Ensure that your porn bookmarks are up to date and all links are still live. 'Nuff said.

Be your own valentine! Noone knows you quite like yourself, and who knows, you could even have a delightful relapse of that multiple personality disorder that you suffered from a while back. Did I say suffered? I meant enjoyed every minute!

When everyone asks you if you have a valentine, create some sad backstory about how you did but in a tragic candy-heart accident, they were forced to flee the country amidst allegations of mishandling the press to make the hearts read "Me Ruv You Rong Time" in the batches bound for the California Bay Area. Alternatively, begin weeping and muttering unintelligibly until the person backs away.

Ignore that it's happening. At worst, it will make you seem blissfully ignorant. At best, it'll make you seem effusive and resilient. Either way, you don't come out that bad. Think Rose on the Golden Girls versus Fran Fine on The Nanny...ok, now I realize why I'm alone on Valentine's Day. I'm making comparisons to estrogen-charged ancient sitcoms.


Anyways, cheer up! This is only one day out of the 364 other days of loneliness - which means 364 other opportunities to find your valentine for next year! Sure, asking someone to "Be Yours" in the middle of June is a little unorthodox, but she might be flattered by your initiative. Just make sure you get her committment in writing, lest you repeat the experience that you've spent all day combatting in 2007. Happy humping!

Inagural Reflections

So, This is the first post that I'm making on here. It's an article I wrote while procrastinating from finals. Enjoy!

Is that Rabies, or are you just excited for finals?

Around finals time, a hidden breed emerges from the woods of academia, rabid and hungry for flesh. Beware the beast- the overachiever. Every campus has them, the adderalled-out, eyes redder than the campus pothead, haven’t slept in fifteen days but I’m still going to ace this damn final beast that, like werewolves, only seem to transform when the full moon is above. They’re catty, cutthroat, and conniving, not to mention easy to piss off and possibly manic depressive. You can spot them by the sixteen opened packets of Sweet ‘n’ Low strewn alongside their 72 ounce cup of quadruple expresso, or in some rarer breeds, alongside another fine white powder that has notoriety for its stimulant tendencies. Regardless of their identifying behaviors, these beasts are dangerous enough to rip off at least one limb, let alone on test day when they are liable to do anything. But how are we, normal drunken college students, supposed to wrangle such a breed? Here are some subtle and some not-so-subtle ways of taming this beast…

-Water down their coffee. If their nectar of life becomes less potent, so does their aggression. For you math majors out there, there’s an equation for this: N + E² + H₂O = (P)^-1 where N equals Neuroses, E equals shots of espresso, and H20…well if you don’t know what H20 is, perhaps you should reconsider your place in higher education. P in the equation equals productivity, which is directly correlated to their aggression.

-Blindfold them, but only for a minute. Their lack of object permanence will make them think that their hard work has completely disappeared, leading them to a freak-out, break-down, and cracking up. It’s quite funny to watch, and it makes them much calmer. Don’t worry, the shaking is a side effect of the coffee, not the breakdown.

-Cage them. All you need for this little task is about a yard of Chicken wire, some duct tape, and a big, red letter A. While the beast is in their habitat (the library carrel), quickly cover the exit side with the chicken wire. Duct tape the sides to make escape futile. Tape the Red A on the outside of the chicken wire, so it taunts the beast from just outside their enclosure. Charge $3 for a look at the “9^th wonder of the world.” Eventually, let them out to prevent shedding due to stress.

If these three steps fail to neutralize the fact-crazy cretin, run for cover. There’s no telling what they’ll do. And be careful not to bump into the couple screwing three carrels over.

-Smitty