Inagural Reflections

So, This is the first post that I'm making on here. It's an article I wrote while procrastinating from finals. Enjoy!

Is that Rabies, or are you just excited for finals?

Around finals time, a hidden breed emerges from the woods of academia, rabid and hungry for flesh. Beware the beast- the overachiever. Every campus has them, the adderalled-out, eyes redder than the campus pothead, haven’t slept in fifteen days but I’m still going to ace this damn final beast that, like werewolves, only seem to transform when the full moon is above. They’re catty, cutthroat, and conniving, not to mention easy to piss off and possibly manic depressive. You can spot them by the sixteen opened packets of Sweet ‘n’ Low strewn alongside their 72 ounce cup of quadruple expresso, or in some rarer breeds, alongside another fine white powder that has notoriety for its stimulant tendencies. Regardless of their identifying behaviors, these beasts are dangerous enough to rip off at least one limb, let alone on test day when they are liable to do anything. But how are we, normal drunken college students, supposed to wrangle such a breed? Here are some subtle and some not-so-subtle ways of taming this beast…

-Water down their coffee. If their nectar of life becomes less potent, so does their aggression. For you math majors out there, there’s an equation for this: N + E² + H₂O = (P)^-1 where N equals Neuroses, E equals shots of espresso, and H20…well if you don’t know what H20 is, perhaps you should reconsider your place in higher education. P in the equation equals productivity, which is directly correlated to their aggression.

-Blindfold them, but only for a minute. Their lack of object permanence will make them think that their hard work has completely disappeared, leading them to a freak-out, break-down, and cracking up. It’s quite funny to watch, and it makes them much calmer. Don’t worry, the shaking is a side effect of the coffee, not the breakdown.

-Cage them. All you need for this little task is about a yard of Chicken wire, some duct tape, and a big, red letter A. While the beast is in their habitat (the library carrel), quickly cover the exit side with the chicken wire. Duct tape the sides to make escape futile. Tape the Red A on the outside of the chicken wire, so it taunts the beast from just outside their enclosure. Charge $3 for a look at the “9^th wonder of the world.” Eventually, let them out to prevent shedding due to stress.

If these three steps fail to neutralize the fact-crazy cretin, run for cover. There’s no telling what they’ll do. And be careful not to bump into the couple screwing three carrels over.

-Smitty