Hey- Where do you go to school?

This was how my fateful recruitment to a certain unnamed teenybopper brand began. It was 10:30 at night. I was wearing a hat (my hair wildly overgrown), my face was oily, and I was not fashionable looking in the least.

And yet, the cashier still asked me if I'd like a part time job while I'm home for break. Earlier in the day, I remember laughing at the himbo standing at the entrance of this teenybopper brand's oldest sibling (with a limited number of stores nationwide) and remarking that I'd never be one of them. Though I'll admit the discount is kinda sweet...

As I thought more on the proposition, I started to mull in my head what would be the help wanted ad for this brand and how it would compare to say...Wal-Mart and how the corporate structure is so strikingly similar. Without further ado:

Wal-Mart
Can You Say Hello? Then this is the job for you!
Are you suffering from early-stage dementia? Does this allow you to be ecstatic to every new person you meet? Do you know how to work a price gun? If any of these criteria apply to you, apply to be a greeter. P/T or F/T available, full benefits, including Depends discount!

Abercrombie
Yo dude, what's up?
Are you really attractive? Do you know that you're really attractive? Can you treat people accordingly? You should be a model...well, not really. You should stand at the front of our bitchin' store and scope out all the chicks that come in, making sure they ain't stealing our stuff, man. Is your IQ under 70 points? Hit us up for a group interview whenever you can swing your awesomeness by us. Hopefully on a tuesday or a friday between 2 and 3.

Wal-Mart
No Customer Service Required!
Do you hate talking on the phone? Answering questions? Being efficient? We have a mediocre job for you! Work on our day-side team, where you will be responsible for running an entire department into disarray, let it be filthy, and evading customer questions...it's like a real-life version of your favorite reality video game. Come apply at our in-store kiosk. Low english proficiency a plus.

Abercrombie
No Customer Service Required!
Do you like looking beautiful? Do other people like you looking beautiful? Then become a brand rep. Should possess ability to stand around, refold the same item fifteen times, and alternate between never looking a customer in the eye unless they too are beautiful (in which case you offer them a job) and asking, along with the rest of your team, if customers are doing alright. Smoldering sex appeal a must, scoring higher than a 400 on your SAT, unncessary. PT only, no benefits, and brand-family competitive salary. But the discount pays for the job!

Wal-Mart
Are you nocturnal?
Not really sure what that means? That's fine by us! Come work on our overnight stock team. You'll never meet any customers, or be seen by anyone besides the security cameras. Questionable credentials OK, but must have own transportation. English skills helpful but absolutely not necessary.

Abercrombie
Not pretty but wish you were?
Come work for a beautiful brand and attach yourself to our name. Working on our impact team is a great way to seem beautiful without actually being so, and you will NEVER have to deal with customers! In fact, you will just stay in our back room and when we decide that your unattractiveness won't offend our customers, we'll allow you to straighten clothes that have already been straightened by our Brand Reps. Same discount, much less glory.

I hope you can see how these two companies are very similar in actuality, and how I would gladly love to respond to any of these help wanted ads.

Service Unavailable - please check back sooner

So after a bender of horrific attempts at trying to pick up women, I bemoaningly begged of my female friend why I was having no success. She told me that I had to "Be the asshole." Not quite understanding this mantra, or being physically capable of such an action (so I'd like to think), I asked her to rephrase. Apparently demonstrating any interest is "unhot," despite the fact that I was declared by her expert eye to be more attractive than many at the insulated bubble of my private liberal arts school. I was too available, and had to make myself seem unavailable. So, I began to ponder what exactly I could do to make myself seem unavailable. These are the ideas that came to me:

Join the priesthood. Nothing says "please don't touch me, Jesus is watching you being a dirty whore" like that white collar. This won't work very well for me because a) I happen to look dashing in black and b) the potential magnetism for Altar Boys runs completely counter to the intent of attracting women. Idea scratched.

Pretend to not speak English. Double score - not only do you get to pass yourself off as a mysterious foreign kid (thereby explaining your noticeable body odor), but you can walk away from a girl and claim it is "custom" to not speak to individuals of the inferior species. Bonus points if you pull a small stone from your pocket and threaten to punish her for speaking directly to a male without presenting food first. Problem with this scheme is that I don't speak any language well enough to pass it off. Idea scratched.

Rent a girlfriend for the evening. I was always told that the minute you enter a relationship your hotness factor increases by 10. Girls find their seduction of you to be infinitely dirtier when they're stealing you from "that other tramp who wears too much makeup and looks like she fell out of an Insurrection catalog." I just like to call her "Tawny Peaks," but hey, whatever floats your boat. Rental dates begin at >$100 an hour, money I don't have. Idea scratched.

Make out with the girl then punch her out. Nothing says "I'm interested" like knocking a girl unconscious. With her reduction in consciousness, you seem less available because, well, at that point she probably can't even spell available. Like a baby bird emerging from the egg, I will be the first face the girl sees once regaining her wits, and she will be instantly drawn to me to assuage her daddy issues. Wow...so many things wrong with this idea. Idea scratched.

There you go. There is no good way to actually make yourself seem unavailable. So ladies, from now on, I'm off the market. I have absolutely no interest in drunken makeouts, awkward one-night stands, or inappropriate grinding. And you can forget about me being interested in repeated hookups, tawdry sex, or creative location-christening. So don't bother asking me on facebook or by calling me, because I'm not open for business. In fact, I don't think I'll be open for business for a while...would you like to put your name on the waiting list?