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So after a bender of horrific attempts at trying to pick up women, I bemoaningly begged of my female friend why I was having no success. She told me that I had to "Be the asshole." Not quite understanding this mantra, or being physically capable of such an action (so I'd like to think), I asked her to rephrase. Apparently demonstrating any interest is "unhot," despite the fact that I was declared by her expert eye to be more attractive than many at the insulated bubble of my private liberal arts school. I was too available, and had to make myself seem unavailable. So, I began to ponder what exactly I could do to make myself seem unavailable. These are the ideas that came to me:

Join the priesthood. Nothing says "please don't touch me, Jesus is watching you being a dirty whore" like that white collar. This won't work very well for me because a) I happen to look dashing in black and b) the potential magnetism for Altar Boys runs completely counter to the intent of attracting women. Idea scratched.

Pretend to not speak English. Double score - not only do you get to pass yourself off as a mysterious foreign kid (thereby explaining your noticeable body odor), but you can walk away from a girl and claim it is "custom" to not speak to individuals of the inferior species. Bonus points if you pull a small stone from your pocket and threaten to punish her for speaking directly to a male without presenting food first. Problem with this scheme is that I don't speak any language well enough to pass it off. Idea scratched.

Rent a girlfriend for the evening. I was always told that the minute you enter a relationship your hotness factor increases by 10. Girls find their seduction of you to be infinitely dirtier when they're stealing you from "that other tramp who wears too much makeup and looks like she fell out of an Insurrection catalog." I just like to call her "Tawny Peaks," but hey, whatever floats your boat. Rental dates begin at >$100 an hour, money I don't have. Idea scratched.

Make out with the girl then punch her out. Nothing says "I'm interested" like knocking a girl unconscious. With her reduction in consciousness, you seem less available because, well, at that point she probably can't even spell available. Like a baby bird emerging from the egg, I will be the first face the girl sees once regaining her wits, and she will be instantly drawn to me to assuage her daddy issues. Wow...so many things wrong with this idea. Idea scratched.

There you go. There is no good way to actually make yourself seem unavailable. So ladies, from now on, I'm off the market. I have absolutely no interest in drunken makeouts, awkward one-night stands, or inappropriate grinding. And you can forget about me being interested in repeated hookups, tawdry sex, or creative location-christening. So don't bother asking me on facebook or by calling me, because I'm not open for business. In fact, I don't think I'll be open for business for a while...would you like to put your name on the waiting list?