Random Sex
So I know my blog tends to be whiney and such about the whole wooing the opposite sex, but I just had to share this nugget from today.
"David, girls only want to have random sex with guys they will never want to sleep with again. You cannot be an asshole, so it won't work for you."
So, I thought about it, and I realized that it would simply be easier rather than being an asshole at the front end, I could accomplish the same end by just being really bad in bed. We're not talking be a minute man, or even "accidentally" slip into the wrong crevice. I'm talking donkey-punching, houdini-performing, bobsledding sex. The kind of sex that legends are made of for being horrific. The kind you read about on the internet, laugh, and then say "that could never happen."
But the key to that is getting to that point where you can actually perform those acts. So, I'm going to start a t-shirt line. Never a fan of false advertising, my line will put it all up front. You'll know what you're getting from "hello." There will be five shirts to start, with an expansion of the line three months out. Our initial run will include the following shirts:
and as a bonus shirt - and "easter egg" if you will:
That should succeed in wooing a girl - it's everything a girl wants in a guy, and it's all up front. Now, I must go model the line and try to get laid.
posted by WhiningYente @ 10:53 PM
3 Comments:
Ah, this is such a winning business idea. For the next season, I think the target consumer should be the Queer Eye-madeover man of the 2000s. Models might include:
1. I promise to call, babe. And when I do, I promise I'll be the most stupid, stumbling drunk you've ever seen. 4 am: you have my word.
2. Dear Madam,
I am a consummate multi-tasker and my resourcefulness knows no bounds. My phone skills are impeccable.
To wit: in my previous position, I was required to balance my daily quotas for jerking off with the arduous task of pretending to listen.
I was able to achieve both goals with exceptional results. She had NO idea. References only available upon request, of course.
3. You should come back to my place and tour my porn collection. I've collected a number of original Jeremys over the years.
And my personal favorite:
4. Sure, sex before dinner might be putting the horse before the cart. Oh well. At least my socks are never off before my briefs are.
Listen up, you sophisticated, cultured, sensitive, discerning romantics. You're clearly too much of the "keeper" type to get your clean, manicured hands on ANYTHING. Except the dinner check.
After all, don't forget that you actually know what to do with the silverware when you're finished eating. (For shame!)
Without the fortunate help of the lies displayed on these tees, you are NOTHING. You will continue to wallow in your ever-fashionable abyss of emo. With blue balls to match.
For the benefit of those of you listening to the Kronos Quartet as you perform your daily dose of calisthenics -
I repeat:
This is your ONLY CHANCE EVER to get laid.
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